Linguagem no trabalho :

Veio ao conhecimento da Gerência o facto de que alguns funcionários
continuarem a utilizar linguagem de baixo nível quando se comunicam com
outros funcionários. Devido às constantes reclamações, daqueles que se
ofendem mais facilmente, essa conduta não será mais tolerada. Para isso,

a Gerência compilou a seguinte lista codificada. É imperativo que todos
os funcionários a leiam e memorizem, para que a comunicação se torne
mais cordial e adequada.

Usar: Não tenho a certeza se vai ser possível!

Usar: A sério? É Incrível! Diria mesmo: Impressionante!

Usar: Claro que isso não me preocupa!
No lugar de: TOU-ME A CAGAR !

Usar: Eu não estava envolvido nesse projecto!

Usar: Interessante, hein?
No lugar de: FODA-SE!

Usar: Será difícil concretizar a tarefa no tempo estipulado!

Usar: Precisamos melhorar a comunicação interna!

Usar: Talvez eu possa trabalhar até mais tarde!

Usar: Você não está familiarizado com o problema!
No lugar de: CALA-TE, CARALHO!

Usar: Desculpe!
No lugar de: VAI PÓ CARALHO!

Usar: Desculpe, senhor!

Usar: Acho que não posso ajudar!

Usar: Adoro desafios!

Usar: Finalmente reconheceram a tua competência!
No lugar de: FOSTE AO CU A QUEM?

Usar: É necessário um treino para o pessoal antes de ligarem a máquina!

Usar: Eles não ficaram satisfeitos com o resultado do trabalho!

Usar: Por favor, refaça o trabalho!

Usar: Precisamos reforçar nosso programa de treino!

Usar: É necessário melhorarmos nossos índices de produtividade!

Usar: Que pena. Teremos outra não conformidade!

Usar: Vamos negociar o projecto com mais determinação!

Usar: Desculpe, eu poderia ter avisado!

Usar: Os índices de produtividade da empresa estão a apresentar uma
queda sensível!

Usar: Esse projecto não vai gerar o retorno previsto!

A Gerência

The Optometrist's Office...

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined.

The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?"

"No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients!"

Yo mama's so fat...

When she got the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph
The back of her neck looks like a six-pack of hot dogs.
"Place Your Ad Hear" is printed on each of her buttcheeks.
The local restaurant has a sign: "MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY: YO MAMA"
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on the other side".
Her sneakers need license plates.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

On the WBAM FM morning show

in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

Giving 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%


1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%


2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

The Dictionary Of Sex...

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive women or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

COLD - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after marriage.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive another person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sexual intercourse.

Round of Golf

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf; their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course, the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, fell over landing with her skirt up over her head, revealing that she was wearing NO KNICKERS!! 'Oh! My Gracious!!' The Englishman stormed over to her angrily demanding a reason for her extreme undress. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such little allowance, I have to make the odd sacrifice and usually, no one notices.' The Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and gave her a ten pound note to go to Marks & Spencer to buy some knickers. Two holes further along, the Irishman's wife tripped over mole hill and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt also went up over her head, exposing all and revealing NO KNICKERS!! The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such little allowance I simply cannot afford undergarments.' The Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, 'Here's a fiver. Go to Woolworths and get some knickers, woman.' Three holes later, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt up over her head revealing that she too was wearing NO KNICKERS!! Her explanation was the same,lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, 'Here's a comb, at least tidy yerself up a wee bit!!!!!


Now that's a great bar!...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Frenchman are in a bar having a good time. They all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a wonderful bar. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink and Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Frenchman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this bar called Francois's. At Francoise's, they buy you the first drink, then they buy you the second drink, then they buy you the third drink, and then they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Frenchman. "But it happened to my sister!"

Bosses just aren't any fun...

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone... In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone... "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch!"

Things your wife won't say

... Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

That was one great fart! Do another!

I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

You're so sexy when you're hungover.

Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

You're so sexy when you're hungover.

Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother is way better than mine.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

Our anniversary comes every year, you go hunting with the guys!

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a three-some!

Damn, not the crummy mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

Shucks, if I don't give you head soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

Why? Because I love the taste.

I'll be outside painting the house.

I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head the way you like it!

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is out back sunbathing again, come see!

I Must Confess...

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."

Save the Instructions...

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa ppppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?

Payment In Full...

At a prominent Parisian brothel, the madam opened the ornate gilded door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I am here for Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Annual Nymphomaniac Convention...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name." "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba".

A Slip of the Tongue...

Two men in their late forties, were having a drink together, discussing the deleterious effects aging has had on each of them. The first said, "You know, I can handle the eye-sight going, and the loss of hair, but it's the disconnect between the brain and the mouth that's the worst part for me. For example, just the other day, I was in line to buy an airline ticket. The woman behind the counter was very well-endowed, and as I walked up to her, I blithely announced, 'I would like to buy a picket to Tittsburgh.' God, I was absolutely mortified!" The second man, shaking his head back and forth, in a been-there-done-that sort of manner said, "I had a very similar experience. I was sitting across from my wife at breakfast one morning, and intended to say, 'Honey, please pass the Special K.' Instead, it came out, 'Bitch, you've ruined my life.'"

Nursing Home Sex...

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was still good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman, Mabel, said that her sex life was still wonderful. "The secret to great sex is this: When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When her husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, Ethel takes off all her clothes. Although it's quite a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom... With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells: "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

Law and Disorder...

There are actual statements made by lawyers and defendants:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for it ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

The Ultimate Guy Quiz:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be
referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportsworld

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever
find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've
just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $300.00 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in
weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at
the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, one lonely

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
a) probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
first place


KEY: If you answered "a" more than seven times,
check your pants to make sure you're
really a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times,
check into therapy --you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than seven times then

You're Po' White Trash If...

You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You ever got too drunk to fish.
You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You've ever bought a used hat.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
"Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
You learned to drive in a monster truck.
You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
You believe books are bad luck.
You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
You believe all-star wrestling.
You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."

Best Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time...

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass this Heart
She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

One Hell Of A Time...

One day Ralph dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Ralph: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinking man?

Ralph: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Ralph: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Ralph: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Ralph: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Ralph: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Ralph: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want . You're dead! Who cares?

Ralph: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Ralph: No...

Demon: "Ooooh,You're going to hate Fridays


The Top 40 Things A Southerner Would Never Say...

40.) Oh, I just couldn't, man, she's only sixteen.

39.) I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex.

38.) Duct tape won't fix that.

37.) Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36.) Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35.) We don't keep firearms in this house.

34.) Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33.) You can't feed that to the dog.

32.) I thought Graceland was tacky.

31.) No kids, not in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30.) Wrestling's fake.

29.) Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28.) We're vegetarians.

27.) Honey, do you think my gut is too big?

26.) I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25.) Honey, we don't need another dog.

24.) Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

23.) Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22.) Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21.) Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

20.) I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19.) Trim the fat off that steak.

18.) Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17.) The tires on that truck are too big.

16.) I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15.) I've got it all on the C: drive.

14.) Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13.) Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12.) My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11.) I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10.) Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09.) Checkmate.

08.) She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07.) Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06.) Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05.) I don't have a favorite college team.

04.) Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03.) You All.

02.) Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01.) Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight